| Author | Message | ||
| M
Board Administrator Username: mjm Post Number: 5062 Registered: 11-1998 |
Complaint to Betsy's Shoe, Found in a Bowl of Popcorn at 8:00 a.m. _________________________________________________
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| LJ Cohen
Moderator Username: ljc Post Number: 2795 Registered: 07-2002 |
M-- I'm trying to sort out if the child has died or not. There are some wonderful lines and linebreaks here, but some places that felt muddled. Some comments in-line. This is new. Yesterday you camped in the refrigerator, the morning before, slithered under the toy box like a Coral snake making Betsy late and me crazy. You hang on too long after the bite. love the opening. Having been made late by a lost shoe, I related to this. The last line felt almost too much of a stretch. Had a hard time seeing the shoe as the snake here. You and her Chatty Kathy doll are in cahoots. You have the sense to be quiet, but you yank Chatty’s cord. She jabbers at me unabated about schoolmates and Barbie dolls, ballet classes and SpongeBob SquarePants. super stanza here. Love the shoe conspiring iwth the toys Your grommets remind me of ties that bind – shoelaces, clinging vines, apron strings. Another mother in Baltimore glides into her children’s room at night, suspires for the rise and fall of small chests like billowed sails in Chesapeake Bay. They breathe, she breathes easier. wondering about the 'ties that bind, and whether that dips to far toward cliche. Perhaps 'reminds me of other ties that bind. I slump in the kitchen, swallow another slice of birthday cake, use eight tiny candles as bayonets to stab Betsy’s uneaten lasagna. How do you feel when you’re on the wrong feet? You stick out your tongue; I mash you into the frosting. nice contrast here between the two mothers. this is where I thought that the child might have died and the mother making a birthday cake in remembrance. Course, i could be completely off the mark here. The last line seemed odd to me--why would someone mash a shoe into frosting? Outside the window, the postman places a letter in our box, reconsiders, removes it. Wrong address, recipient moved, change of heart. Some awry deliveries rectified, some scribbled in indelible ink. This enhances the sense of a great loss, but the final sentence scans a little awkwardly. I think you need a little ole verb in there somewhere. Hope that helps. xo ljc http://ljcbluemuse.blogspot.com/ | ||
| M
Board Administrator Username: mjm Post Number: 5065 Registered: 11-1998 |
Thanks so much for the comments, Lisa. It tells me much to hear reader interpretation. Would it help any to know that every object in this (the shoe, the snake, the Chatty Kathy, the shoelaces, the clinging vine, the apron strings, the lasagna) are all metaphors for Betsy? The shoe got lost under the toy box making everyone late, the snake bites and hangs on, the Chatty Kathy babbles on incessantly about things this woman could care less about, Betsy didn't eat the dinner the narrator fixed, the shoe sticks out its tongue -- all of these things are the things that drive this woman crazy about her child. Hence, her complaint. No, not a dead child, Lisa. Only a mother who wishes she wasn't a mother. That's why I put in that whole verse about the other "good" mother. Such a contrast between these two women -- one glides and checks on her children, the other slumps and stabs lasagna. That's why she mashes the shoe in the frosting -- what she'd really like to do is mash Betsy's face in the frosting for being such an aggravation. Oh, and that final line does have verbs, hon. Rectified, scribbled -- verbs last time I looked. *grin* The reason I think most people are missing the message here is that this is the final taboo. People can talk about sex, money, insanity, addiction, but don't ever let a mother say she doesn't like her own child. I was trying to speak for all those regretful mothers who can't be honest because of society's inability to accept that not all mothers are happy they had children. Most of those women feel like monsters, when what they are in reality are just frustrated people doing the best that they can with a delivery they'd like to go back and "rectify." Love, M | ||
| LJ Cohen
Moderator Username: ljc Post Number: 2796 Registered: 07-2002 |
M--Go ahead and smash that taboo. There are days I am right behind you. OK--then some revised comments. In stanza 3, the contrast needs to be drawn more sharply. Make me feel *this* mother's ambivalence, her sense of inadequacy comparing herself to those other mothers. I can see the rage when I go back and read this again after reading your comments. But I need more grounds for the mother's feelings. I know one of the things that drives me over the deep end is my boys 'losing' something, like a shoe, unsuccessfully looking for it while I fume. Then I tromp upstairs and find it in less than 7 seconds in plain sight. It feels like they're doing it on purpose. In those final lines, yes, rectified and scribbled are verbs, but the placement of the verb after the noun implies the 'are' before it and makes for a passive feel. xo ljc http://ljcbluemuse.blogspot.com/ | ||
| Penelope
Valued Member Username: penelope Post Number: 118 Registered: 07-2005 |
M, I loved this poem. I got the mother's exhausted antagonism with Betsy especially in S3 and S4. I stumbled on the coral snake in S1 and thought "jabbers at me unabatedly" was a bit mild in conveying the antagonism. Have you heard the expression, "Now I know why some species eat their young?" This poem was a fine look at one of the realities of motherhood. There's very little acknowledgment that being a "good enough" mother is the only goal we can realistically expect of ourselves. By the way, have you read Sue Miller's The Good Mother? It's an emotionally painful read, but a good one. (Message edited by penelope on August 31, 2005) Penelope | ||
| Dale McLain
Advanced Member Username: sparklingseas Post Number: 1238 Registered: 11-2004 |
M~ Brave of you to take on this topic and you've done well with it. The thing about being a mother that overwhelms me is that it's not something you do, but who you are. You can't quit. You are forever a mother. Yes, it's a blessing, but there are more days than I'd care to admit that I have that Alice in Wonderland feeling. I toppled into a strange world twenty years ago and have never quite gotten my bearings. But, hey... mybe it's just me. I enjoyed this poem very much (my Chatty Cathy's in the attic). I will now step out and allow the heavy crit to proceed. And yes, "the Good Mother" is a bit of a whipping,but a very good book. take care~dale | ||
| M
Board Administrator Username: mjm Post Number: 5069 Registered: 11-1998 |
Dearest Lisa -- thank you for coming back to this and offering up further suggestions. Yes, perhaps this one does need further expansion to make the mother's feelings both justified and more understandable. I was working within the length of the Challenge and maybe cut this one a little short. Others have suggested that the mother's annoyance isn't strong enough. I will continue to work on that. And will think about those verbs in the end. Thanks so much, dear heart. Dearest Penelope -- thank you for your comments and your thoughts. Perhaps the Coral snake is a bit on the edge, but I wanted her exasperation to be clearly evident. It is a poisonous snake, one of the only snakes that continues to hold on with its viper fangs long after it has bitten. You have to practically beat it off with a shovel, I'm told. I thought that perhaps that reference alone would carry a lot of the mother's antagonism. You made me smile with the quote "Now I know why some species eat their young" -- good one that I've heard often. Too bad someone else already wrote that, huh? No, I have not read "The Good Mother," but I will put it on my list. I have no children of my own, so I haven't really researched motherhood from a personal standpoint. This poem really came from all those mothers I've talked to who finally came clean with what they REALLY feel sometimes about their children. And my own relief that I did NOT chose motherhood. I can imagine I would have been exactly like the woman narrator here. How sad for me and any potential child I might have had. *sigh* Dearest Dale -- thanks for stopping by and talking to me. Your words were most encouraging and I thank you for your honesty of expression. Yes, Alice in Wonderland, going around getting bigger and smaller and running into Queens of Hearts and rabbits you cannot make heads nor tails of. I imagine motherhood is all that and more. Thank you so much, ladies, for giving me clear crit and honest commentary. More women should be allowed to express themselves without fear of being thought monstrous. I imagine frustration and feelings of doubt are the order of the day with motherhood. I feel for these women's inability to vent their true thoughts. Love, M | ||
| E V Brooks
Advanced Member Username: lia Post Number: 1271 Registered: 12-2003 |
A finely written piece M. Always wonderful to read your work. Reading your interpretation, I was able to see further into the work. I believe most mothers go through this at some point in motherhood. I certainly have (when my son was a baby).. the commitment, stress and sacrifice can lead there. If it was less taboo, mothers would realise it's natural to have such feelings from time to time... and perhaps there would be more support for them. I look forward to reading any revision of this piece, but regardless, it's a great read, thanks. lia p.s. I've just realised I'm in 'Bio'. I came here from the discussions board. eek.. I'm afraid I have no crit for you, M. It looks like everyone else here has that under control in any case. Just wanted to let you know that your piece got me thinking. (Message edited by lia on September 06, 2005) | ||
| LJ Cohen
Moderator Username: ljc Post Number: 2839 Registered: 07-2002 |
Lia, Don't feel that you have to make an academic-worthy line by line crit just because you're in BFB. Sometimes a casual comment from a reader's perspective is just as useful. best, ljc (though more in-depth crits are, of course, always welcome!) http://ljcbluemuse.blogspot.com/ | ||
| Laurie Byro
Advanced Member Username: lauriette Post Number: 1210 Registered: 11-2003 |
I love this and get the frustration and disappointment--being childfree (by choice) I'm never allowed to write about stuff like this. Folks still will ask me pointedly personal questions about why I wasn't blessed. Fine fine work, MJM Glad it was recognised and I loved Lia's from the onset. Laurie | ||
| M
Board Administrator Username: mjm Post Number: 5135 Registered: 11-1998 |
Dearest lia -- thank you for your comments, hon. It is always such a pleasure when you have the time to read more work and tell me your thoughts. I'm still vacillating on this one. The reader interpretations I'm getting are different from what I had in mind when I wrote this, but I'm thinking that's a good thing. It means the poem is expansive enough to mold to people's perceptions and whatever experiences they bring to bear. I'm finding that it's less and less critical to me if people understand my messages. What the reader brings to the experience of the poem far exceeds my meager abilities. I'm really starting to enjoy reader interps no matter what they see. Readers always expand my own mind that that's a good thing! As Lisa, don't worry about in-depth crit. The thoughts you shared WERE in-depth crit, lia. Sharing those thoughts tells me much about what is good and bad about this poem Dearest Laurie -- I know you are so busy and otherwise occupied, so I am particularly thankful when you make time to read me and comment. Thanks for what you said. It made me feel understood. Love to All, M |
